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Social media has become a way of life for most people. We have email, instant messaging and text at our finger tips. When we wanted to communicate in the past, we picked up a phone and called someone. Now it has become much easier and more popular to just shoot a message to someone. With this surge in use of nonverbal communication has come some problems. When we speak in person with someone, they can hear our intonations as we speak. They can hear our excitement, our anger, if we pause they can rethink what they said and try to explain on the spot, etc. When we read a message, at times, we can misinterpret what they writer is trying to convey to us. How does this affect swingers looking for other swingers? Simply put, when a couple is attempting to communicate with another couple and they rely on a messaging platform, things they write can be misconstrued. It becomes especially touchy when these couples have never met. Sometimes a person has a sense of humor that will come across in their messages. If you don’t know that this person is sarcastic, for example, you might misinterpret them as being arrogant. A person who is shy might come across as being disinterested. Perhaps one couple is very busy and so there can be a long delay between messages. If english is the person’s second language, their writing might be seen as a lack of intelligence or education. In any case, the couples might decide against meeting each other for reasons that are not valid. The other problem that is rampant is many couples disregard for the truth. The number one complaint seems to be the outdated photos that many couples choose to post. Regardless of how attractive and fit you were ten years ago, that no longer represents what you look like today. If you are afraid that people will not be attracted by your current photos, this is not a reason to post old ones. After all, you will eventually meet in person and the first thing they will notice, is that you do not look like your pictures. Many people say that they do this because although people might not like their pictures, they are sure they can win them over if they meet in person. The truth is, it does not work like this. We have heard many couples talk about how when they spotted the couple they had arranged to meet and realized they did not look like their photos, they turned around and left. The other problems with swinger profiles is lying about age and not being truthful about what you are looking for. If you do not have experience or are not totally comfortable with swapping, be honest. At some point, all of your lies will become apparent to the couples that you meet and then it is awkward for everyone. Don’t shave 10 years off of your age and then be surprised when the couple who agrees to meet you is not interested. Don’t expect another couple to “take it slow” if you have written that you are full swap and have tons of experience. Honesty goes a long way in making encounters successful and enjoyable. You will find couples to match with if you let them know who you really are. Facetime and Skype have given us the ability to chat live and perhaps this is the best way to be sure that the couple in the pictures look the same in person. This also allows you to speak in “real time” and avoid the problems that messaging can cause. Let’s not forget that in some areas, people have to travel quite a distance to meet each other. Areas that do not have a swing club or any type of meet and greet tend to be remote. This causes them to be dependent upon messaging. When messaging with other couples just remember how many times your chats with family and friends have been misunderstood. Not because of what you wrote necessarily, but rather the way the reader interpreted what you meant to say or how you meant to say it. Give people the benefit of the doubt and always try to connect either by video chat or on the phone. This allows you the comfort of hearing what someone is saying and how they are saying it.

Life is short, life is precious, life is a gift. We have all heard this many times before. It is something we often say or think about when we hear of someone dying. Whether the person was sick or it was a sudden event, it makes us promise to live life to the fullest because we never know what the future holds. This seems especially true given today’s climate. What exactly is living life to the fullest? In my opinion, it means living without regrets. It means doing the things that make us happy. Nobody wants to find themselves at the end of their life wishing they had done something but were too afraid. It would seem at that point you would wonder what, exactly, you were afraid of. This makes me think of the lifestyle and our decision to see what it was all about. When we pushed the door open to a swing club for the very first time, we had no idea what lay on the other side. In our minds it was simply to be one evening to placate our curiosity. It would be one more thing to cross off our bucket list. Something that we could say we were proud to have done in our lives because it was outside of our comfort zone. Even if our first night at a swing club had not been enjoyable (or even positive), I do believe we would have no regrets. The fact that we had taken the risk to try something different would be a positive in our memory banks. It might even give us something to laugh about if things went awry. That, however, did not happen. It turned out that in our quest to remember to live life to the fullest, we found something wonderful. Behind the doors to that first swing club was nothing we had prepared ourselves for. What had started out as an evening of fun, turned into a completely new lifestyle! What we discovered that first night in a swing club is that once you cross the threshold, you belong. Everyone is welcome in the lifestyle. People do not discriminate against others. There is no concern with race, religion, sexual orientation, age, etc. If you are friendly, people in the lifestyle will accept you. The lifestyle has taught us so much about living life to the fullest. People in the lifestyle are looking for fun. Many couples we have met, have raised their family and are ready to focus on themselves. An afternoon or an evening spent with lifestyle friends is always sure to be a party. It is a group of people who are looking to enjoy their lives. The lifestyle attracts a variety of people who come from different backgrounds, cultures and races. What brings these people together is their desire to have a good time. Every night in a swing club is like New Year’s Eve; it is festive and upbeat. The lifestyle has taught us about commitment and communication. It gave me clarity about the difference between love and sex and how the two are not mutually exclusive. It teaches you that simply because you find someone attractive or charming, it does not mean you want to spend your life with them. The same applies to your partner. It is ok for them to find another person attractive. Even if they have great sex together, it does not mean they want anything more. You have fun, say goodbye and go home with your partner to your life. Having the opportunity to explore both your sexuality and your fantasies is very liberating. When you share this with your partner there is no reason to cheat. When you have everything you want at home, why would you seek it elsewhere? Obviously this is not all that is on my bucket list but it is something for which I will be forever grateful. For us, this is living life to its fullest. Spending every free night at dinner or a movie was not something that either of us really enjoyed. Rather than becoming complacent and discontent, we did something about it. The lifestyle is not for everyone but if you don’t try it, how will you know?

We often hear people in the lifestyle say that over time their relationships with their vanilla friends have faded. People who were close friends for years have slowly moved away from them. Why does this happen? Is it because our vanilla friends eventually discover what swingers are up to? Perhaps it is because couples in the lifestyle change over time. My husband and I were having dinner with vanilla friends when a woman we have not seen in years walked by. She stopped, said hello, and continued on her way. At first, my husband did not recognize her. Without thinking, I mentioned that she was “that friendly unicorn that we used to see often.” Before I could finish my sentence and say at the club, I realized who we were with and I stopped. All three of them were staring at me. My husband, because he was afraid of what I was about to say, and my friends because they were curious. “Did you say unicorn?” My friend gave me a funny look. I wanted to pretend I had just suffered a small stroke and say I couldn’t imagine why I would have said that, but that seemed too dramatic. Another idea was to say a word that sounds like unicorn but honestly, nothing came to mind. So there I was, my mind racing to think of something to say to make this seem ok. Finally, I just shrugged and said something about how she told us her daughter was into unicorns and it stuck. Do I think my friend believed me? Not a chance but that was my story and I was sticking with it. We have all been there; having a perfectly acceptable evening with vanilla friends when you drop the h-bomb. Or the u-word or that c word. You know which ones I’m referring to: hotwife, unicorn, cuckold. Yea, those words. We use these words all the time with our lifestyle friends and we never think twice about it. It does however become a problem when you use them with vanilla friends. It was in the car after dinner that I told my husband how exhausting spending too much time with vanilla friends had become. Having to think about every single thing before I say it was no longer simply challenging, it was getting on my nerves. How is it possible that we consider these people such close friends when they know so little about us? Before the pandemic, we were too busy with lifestyle parties, swing clubs and meet and greets to see our vanilla friends. On occasion we would ask to meet for dinner during the week, but they seemed offended that it was never on a weekend. Now that our weekends were free again, we did reach out to some vanilla friends that we had not seen in a while. The time we spent was enjoyable but we were guarded. They asked a lot of questions and sadly, we had prepared answers ahead of time, knowing what those questions would be. As we left the restaurant, we both felt the strain of having to think about what they might ask ahead of time. It made the evening less enjoyable because it was difficult to relax and be natural. Is this what a night out with ‘friends’ should feel like? When swingers spend a lot of time with other swingers, we learn to let down our guard. We easily discuss sex and other topics that vanilla people find too personal to share. It is this lack of transparency that creates a barrier in the friendship. Lifestyle friendships become so intimate and deep that our vanilla relationships begin to feel shallow and forced. Although it is certainly possible to maintain vanilla friendships when you are in the lifestyle, many couples admit these relationships tend to fade away. Once you experience the lifestyle and the friendships you make there, it is very hard to go back.

You and your spouse have been in the lifestyle for quite some time when one day, your spouse wants out. Now what? It is perhaps something that happens more frequently than we know. How often do you take a step back and realize you haven't seen so and so in a while? Remember that couple? Whatever happened to them? The lifestyle, although it encompasses a lot of people, is actually a very small community. If you reflect back, you will realize you have seen many couples come and go. Couples you thought were in the lifestyle forever, have actually slowly drifted away. So how does this work? One morning your spouse wakes up and tells you they have had enough. Your spouse announces that they do not wish to remain in the lifestyle. For many of us, over time, the lifestyle takes over our social lives. We build friendships here because this is where we spend our nights and weekends. Our vanilla friends would never understand, and so we put some distance between us and them. We hope they will stop pressuring us to make time for them on Friday and Saturday nights. The weekends have become one party after another. Our sex lives have become full and exciting with new possibilities. Why does the lifestyle become so important to us? For most couples in the lifestyle, weekends are spent out with lifestyle friends. The conversations are sexier, there's touching and flirting and the ability to be completely open and free. Our lives begin to revolve around the lifestyle. For most couples, their social lives begin to encompass swing clubs, private parties and hotel takeovers. The lifestyle is a very seductive way of life and the thought of giving it up can be hard to imagine. When your spouse suddenly wants to leave the lifestyle, it’s hard to fathom your life going back to the way it was before. Although they assure you the sex will still be great, somehow you know that your wild and crazy nights of sex are about to become a thing of the past. The 4-5 nights a week will start to dwindle down to a few times a month. You even suspect your lifestyle friends will only make time to see you during the week so they can be with their lifestyle friends on the weekends. I have known some couples who have left the lifestyle and stayed out for a year or two. Eventually they got bored and returned. Others we know, got divorced, but I do not personally know couples who were really vested in the lifestyle who left, stayed married and just turned to other interests. Surely, there are couples who have done this. It would seem to me that it would take a lot of patience on behalf of the spouse who wants to stay in the lifestyle, but with time and understanding I'm sure it can be done! Why might someone suddenly decide the lifestyle is not for them? Perhaps one of the most important things to do in this situation is to figure out why one person wants out. If everything was going so well, it is hard to imagine that someone would just wake up one morning and change their mind. Is there some kind of jealousy or insecurity involved? Perhaps you have been too busy fulfilling your own needs or desires and did not notice your spouse was unhappy. Maybe she/he is a 'go with the flow' type of person but inside, when it's enough, it's enough. You have to know your spouse and you have to pay attention to what is going on with them when you are out. Chances are, this has been building up for some time and they have finally reached their tipping point. For couples who spend all of their weekends at lifestyle venues, it is probably a good idea from time to time to ask your spouse if they would like to do something else. Do all of your vacations revolve around the lifestyle? How about a vacation for the two of you to reconnect? If your partner insists that they are happy to go to a swing club or party, maybe you should make it a point to make some of these evenings just about them. Sure, there are a lot of willing and sexy people around ,but making your partner like the most special one is very important. Without this, one day, you just find yourself in this situation. So now that she has decided she wants out of the lifestyle where does that leave you?  What if you absolutely cannot imagine being out?  Do you cheat?  Try to hang on to lifestyle friends in the hopes they can help sway her to come back?  It's probably best to try to fix the problem and maybe in the future she will go back.  Then again, maybe she won't.  It would be sad to think that a marriage cannot survive the departure from the lifestyle, after all, it is only for fun, right?

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