Swinging when you have children; how to stay one step ahead of them.
The original title for this article was actually “Swinging with Children” but when I went back to edit it, I was afraid the Feds would come knocking at my door. For that reason the title had to be changed to “Swinging when you have children.”
Anyone who is in the lifestyle and has children, quickly discovers the challenges involved in juggling this ‘double life’. There are a number of interesting things to consider when you have children and this does not just apply to small children. When you start swinging and your children are young, the biggest obstacle is generally child care.
It quickly becomes apparent that if you are planning to stay out until 2 or 3 in the morning, babysitters can create small problems. Although most will never ask, many savvy babysitters will wonder where you are going that stays open that late. Grandma and Grandpa are great but they are only going to have sleep overs so often!
Another problem is that after having wild sex and getting dressed to return home, you probably do not look as put together as you did when you left your house. There are times your hair will be wet from sweating, your shirt will be buttoned wrong, your fly might not be zipped back up or you are wearing something inside out. That is only if you can return home in what you wore while you were out. Many of us must change our clothing either in the garage or in the car because we would never be caught dead in our “hooker” clothes!
With young children, another problem is that they do not really care how late you were out the night before. They get up before the sun and you are going to have to pay for that! Other than that, young children might be less complicated to handle than older ones when you swing.
When your children are a little bit older but still live at home, the problems can be even more challenging. First off, where to hide your swinger clothes? It helps to have a spare closet with a lock on it (and even then), your children will find it. I can remember my kids telling my mother how many pairs of “hooker shoes” I own. These shoes were in a locked closet that has a key that I thought was well hidden. Apparently I was wrong.
Sneaking out of the house with a change of clothing can also become tricky. If you think your children won’t notice that you are wearing something under your sweater, trust me, they will. After many attempts to fool them, I discovered the only way is to plan ahead. When the kids are not home, plan your outfit out ahead of time and put it in the trunk of your car or hide it in the garage.
Returning home with older kids can also pose a big challenge. They never go to sleep! No matter how late you come home, somehow they are always awake and you cannot avoid them. This means you must change back into the clothing you left the house in and make sure you don’t look like a hot mess! Be prepared to answer the question they will inevitably ask: where were you until this hour and who were you with? If you are out swinging often, it starts to become a challenge! Teenaged children are aware that nothing stays open so late.
Somehow, we imagined that when our children were old enough to leave home we would be able to enjoy the lifestyle without a care in the world. We deserve this, no? Well, unfortunately the grown children present their own set of challenges for us. First of all we have to consider that one day they could show up in a swing club or at a lifestyle event all on their own. Now multiply your children by the number of friends they have. They too, might stumble upon the club we frequent one night!
Secondly, they would like us to babysit from time to time but we are never available. They say they don’t mind going out later. We can just come by when we return home to watch the kids for a few hours…Yes, we will be back around 3am if that works for you. They ask for itineraries when we travel but we cannot provide one because we are headed out on a lifestyle cruise or to a swinger resort. Eventually they will borrow your phone and ask why all your friends have no last names or the same (code) last name.
Yes, the lifestyle certainly presents challenges from day one when you have children. You must learn to be creative and most importantly to plan ahead. Make sure you and your spouse discuss what story you will tell as it’s very important to relay the same story! Unfortunately, at some point there will be questions and strange looks as your children are much smarter than you think. It’s all in fun and it keeps the lifestyle interesting!
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