My husband and I have been in the lifestyle for many years. We strictly play with other couples. Personally, I am not interested in single play and he shows no real interest in watching me play with single men or women. He likes to be involved and so we happily play with other couples.
As an observer, single men look to have a difficult time in the lifestyle. In swing clubs, they roam around the front of the club trying to keep themselves busy. Many linger at the bar trying to meet couples while others do laps around the club in the hopes of initiating conversation along the way. From where I sit, the majority are unsuccessful and I genuinely sympathize with them.
Then, last night, I spotted a single guy standing by the dance floor. It was hard not to notice him.
What made this man stand out? Although I will admit he was good looking, so were many other single men in the club that evening. Here is the difference:
He was clean and well dressed.
Although he was alone, he did not appear lonely.
The man was watching the dance floor, listening and moving slowly to the beat of the music.
This man was a gentleman. Several women approached him. He was kind and warm without seeming eager or desperate.
I never saw him gawk at any woman, he seemed confident, yet approachable.
When people came close to him he smiled easily and nodded hello.
He was not cocky, he kept his clothing on and buttoned, and engaged with others in a cool and respectful manner.
These seem like simple and normal ways to behave, yet honestly, single
men in the lifestyle rarely attract my attention, and if they do, it is for the wrong reasons.
It is clear to me that successful single men in the lifestyle are doing something right. They all have recipes that keep them in good graces with both the other men and women in the lifestyle. Besides being well dressed and groomed, they are kind, considerate and careful never to step on anyone’s toes.
Often, the single men we know will greet us warmly, and move on. In the past they have shown interest in me but I never lead people on. The difference between these men and others, is that they could read my nonverbal cues. Although I am warm and friendly, I do not show them any real interest and they pick up on this.
On the other hand, some single men who approach us who do not know me, mistake my kindness for interest. I am always careful to let them know right away that we are not looking for single men.
Not every couple (or single woman) in the club is looking for a single man. The first thing single men must master, is how to read people. Non-verbal cues are critically important in the lifestyle. If you approach someone and they warmly welcome you in, that’s a good start! When you approach someone and they are simply being polite but show a definite lack of interest, move on. You will not change anyone’s mind by being persistent.
What do positive verbal cues look like? When a person has interest, they will turn towards you when they speak. They will look you in the eye. Interested people will ask you questions about yourself and smile warmly at your replies. Women who grab their husbands (or partners) by the hand or move closer to their partner is not interested. If they look away while you speak, this clearly indicates a lack of interest.
Like when dating, pick up lines are corny and generally will not ingratiate you to anyone. The same goes for asking a ridiculous question, simply to start a conversation. It’s lame when men approach me at the bar and ask if this is where they go to get a drink. After too many tequilas, I might recommend the toilet in the nearest restroom…
When a couple does show interest, how you manage the situation at a this point is very important. Pawing at the woman and excluding her man is not going to help you. Try establishing a warm connection with the man and seeing if he encourages you to move closer to his woman. When couples are looking for a single man, they will make it clear. Often, the husband will excuse himself to go to the restroom. That’s a good sign. He is giving you time to be alone with his wife. Be respectful and follow her lead.
If you are fortunate enough to get into a play situation with a couple, make sure you pay attention the man. His demeanor will let you know what he is comfortable with. Again, if he walks away, that could indicate you will be free to play with his wife and perhaps he simply wants to watch. If he sticks close to his wife, it might be best to follow his lead or simply ask them to clarify what exactly they want.
I might not seek out single men in a swing club, but the respectful ones always catch my eye. If we have a private party, we often do include single men so you never know. Single friends of mine often ask if we know any single men in the lifestyle. The ones that ingratiate themselves are easy to introduce to friends.
Single men are an asset to the lifestyle. Many of them are kind and funny and genuinely good guys. It might be helpful for the less successful ones to take the time to observe the men who are getting it right.
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