The Fastest Way to Lose My Interest: A Lesson in Swinger Etiquette

Over the years, I've learned that some of the most important rules of swinger etiquette have nothing to do with sex.

I've been thinking about something that happened recently and it brought back a memory from many years ago. One of the things I've noticed in the lifestyle is that people sometimes mistake attraction for mutual attraction. Just because you're interested in someone doesn't mean they're interested in you, yet I see people make that assumption all the time.

Many years ago, at one of my first lifestyle events, a man made it very clear almost immediately that he was interested in me. Looking back, I don't think his interest was what bothered me. What bothered me was that he seemed to assume I was interested too. We hadn't talked, he didn't know me, and I certainly hadn't given him any indication that I was attracted to him. Yet I remember wanting to create distance almost immediately. At the time I couldn't have explained exactly why, but now I think I understand it. The moment someone assumes I'm interested, I lose interest.

What's funny is that recently I found myself in almost the opposite situation. The man I ended up being most attracted to wasn't someone who caught my eye when I first saw him. Had he approached me aggressively or acted as though my interest was guaranteed, I probably would have spent the evening avoiding him. Instead, he simply showed interest. Women know when a man finds them attractive. We can see it in the way he looks at us, the way he listens, and the way he pays attention. The difference was that he never made me feel pressured. He never acted as though he was entitled to my attention. He simply let me know he was interested and then left the rest up to me.

As the evening went on, we talked more and I got to know him better. The more comfortable I became, the more attractive he became. In fact, by the end of the evening, the person who wasn't initially on my radar had become the person I was most attracted to. Looking back, what strikes me is that he never tried to convince me to be interested in him. He simply gave me the opportunity to become interested.

Over the years, I've spoken with hundreds of women in the lifestyle, and one thing I've noticed is that many of us are willing to let attraction develop. A man who isn't initially our type can become very attractive if he makes us laugh, puts us at ease, makes us feel desired, or simply has a personality that draws us in. Attraction isn't always immediate. Sometimes it grows through conversation, chemistry, confidence, and connection. Of course, not every woman is the same, but I've heard enough versions of this story over the years to believe there's something to it.

That got me thinking about the difference between confidence and presumption. Confidence says, "I'm interested in you." Presumption says, "Of course you're interested in me." One feels flattering. The other feels uncomfortable. One leaves room for attraction to develop. The other assumes it already exists.

Maybe that's why some people seem to be more successful in the lifestyle than others. The people who create the strongest connections rarely try to claim anyone. They don't assume. They don't pressure. They don't decide the ending before the story has begun. They show interest, start conversations, and allow chemistry to develop naturally. They understand that attraction cannot be forced and it certainly cannot be assumed. This is what swinger etiquette looks like.

If there's one thing I've learned over the years, it's that the fastest way to lose my interest is to assume you already have it. The most attractive man of the evening wasn't the one who demanded my attention. He was the one who quietly earned it.

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