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Stupid questions people ask when they find out we are swingers.




Ok, I will admit that I used to have more tolerance for the stupid questions and assumptions that vanilla people make about swingers. I understood that this was a concept that took time to grasp. What has changed? Why have I lost patience with this?

Perhaps is because the internet provides a safe place for people to gain knowledge about things they do not understand. It isn’t hard to google a question and see what others have to say. Reading forums, blogs and listening to podcasts is enough to help anyone to gain insight into things they are unfamiliar with, right? Then why do vanilla people still make assumptions about a lifestyle they do not comprehend? Clearly, they have not taken the time to do their homework.

It is rare that I hear someone in the lifestyle talk negatively about friends or family members who are monogamous. We simply shrug our shoulders and declare that to be their choice. Although vanilla people might believe otherwise, most swingers do not have a tremendous interest in converting others; educating yes, converting, no.

Like most people in the lifestyle, we have to share our time with people from both worlds. We are often with lifestyle friends and partying in clubs but we also have to take time to be with family and friends who are not in the lifestyle. Some family members and some friends know that we are swingers. This is where the questions come from…

  1. If you really love each other, why do you need to have sex with other people?

  2. Doesn’t it make you jealous to see your husband/wife being intimate with another person?

  3. Obviously, what you are doing is not normal, which is why everyone else is not doing it. Have you thought about that?

  4. What happens when one of you falls in love with someone you are swinging with?

  5. How would you feel if others found that you two are swingers?

These seem to be the core, recurring questions. After spending over 15 years in the lifestyle, we have discovered an easy way to answer these questions.

First of all, how many couples who are in a long term relationship are 100% faithful? Although we would like to believe that most married or committed couples are faithful, the truth is, the vast majority are not. This makes answering the above questions take on a new twist.

Often times, we have noticed that people are quick to pass judgement without understanding the facts. We insist that if people truly want to hear what we have to say, people must be open to listening to our responses.

Let us begin with question number 1: If you really love each other, why do you need to have sex with other people?

As most swingers have figured out, love and sex are not mutually exclusive. Sharing your life with someone is simply not something one can compare to a night of random sex. Sex is a physical act while love comes from the heart. You do not need to love someone to have sex with them. Honestly, you do not have to like, or even know someone, to have sex with them.

More importantly, we do not ‘need’ to have sex with others, we choose to do this. The majority of swingers will tell you that sex with their partner is great. What they are looking for is variety and excitement. Both of these add to their shared sex life. What’s important to point out here? We do it together, not behind each other’s back.

Doesn’t it make you jealous to see your husband/wife being intimate with another person?

The answer to this question always surprises vanilla people. No, it does not make us jealous. There is a word swingers seem to understand that vanilla people cannot: compersion. (urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Compersion). ( Ironically, this word is not found in a standard dictionary.) It means: A feeling of joy when a loved one invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship. It is exciting to see your partner with someone else. We have been programmed to think otherwise but the reality is quite stimulating!

Obviously, what you are doing is not normal, which is why everyone else is not doing it. Have you thought about that?

This one sounds like something your parents would say upon learning you are swingers. Our response: define normal. We never try to tell people that what we do is right for everyone, but we do believe people should decide what works for them. Nobody needs outside interference in their personal lives. We both understand that if you have never been in the lifestyle, it is a foreign concept. Most people have a hard time wrapping their minds around the idea. However, if they were honest, many would like to give it a try. Not because they don’t love their significant other, but the thought of having sex with someone else is erotic and exciting. Especially if their spouse is on board with it.

What happens when one of you falls in love with someone you are swinging with?

Unfortunately, this is something that can happen whether someone is in the lifestyle or not. We can never predict when two people will meet and fall in love. It can happen anywhere between any two people. Does it happen more often between swingers? No, it definitely does not. Swingers generally enter the lifestyle looking to enjoy sex with other people. Not because they don’t love their partner or because they are looking for someone with whom to share their life. Does the added intimacy of having sex with someone heighten the risk or the chances of this occurring? Not when it is done properly. For us, after a night with another couple, we return home with each other and back to our lives. We close the door and leave that world behind.

How would you feel if others found out that you two are swingers?

Neither of us would really care. Honestly, we keep it quiet for our families. We do not want to cause problems for our children or our parents.

We feel that what we do in our private lives is personal. Some of our friends know and others do not. We are not ashamed to be swingers. As a matter of fact, it is quite the opposite!

Most people we know who are in the lifestyle, have been swinging for years. They have also encountered curiosity seekers and been asked many questions regarding the lifestyle. It is only natural for people to want to understand how we can remain happily married while seeking out sex with others. What is important to us, is to make sure the person asking realizes that it is something we do as a couple.

Swinging requires honesty, openness and communication. When a couple incorporates those three things into their relationship, the lifestyle will not cause problems.

It seems there will always be people who are skeptical about the lifestyle. The best we can do is to be prepared for the questions and comments. Listen to their views and then ask them to listen to yours. It certainly won’t change most people’s minds, but it might give them some food for thought.


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