Do Your Kids Know You’re in the Lifestyle? Here’s My Answer

By Amy G.

People ask me this all the time.

Usually with a curious tilt of the head, like they’re asking something thoughtful. Responsible, even.

“Do your kids know you’re in the lifestyle?”

And every single time, I stop.

Not because I don’t have an answer…

but because I’m trying to understand the question.

Then I say what I’ve always said:

“Do you actually think I talk to my children about my sex life?”

“And more importantly… do you actually believe they want to know?”

That usually ends it.

Or at least… it should.

Somewhere Along the Way, We Got This Backwards

There’s this growing idea that being a “good parent” means being completely open about everything.

Every struggle.

Every truth.

Every detail.

But honesty and full disclosure are not the same thing.

You can be honest… without handing your children a front-row seat to parts of your life that were never meant for them.

Let Me Take You Back for a Second

I can still remember the first time I found out how babies were made.

Good grief.

I was completely grossed out.

Not curious. Not enlightened. Not grateful for the information.

Just… horrified.

It wasn’t something I needed more detail on.

It wasn’t something I wanted to visualize.

And the worst part?

I couldn’t unsee it.

That image lived in my head for what felt like a year… just popping up uninvited like a bad commercial you can’t skip.

And Now We’re Debating This?

Now we’re sitting around asking whether children should understand the complexities of their parents’ relationships…

Whether they should be told about the lifestyle at all.

Why?

Most people in the lifestyle don’t even share this part of their lives with their parents.

Or their closest friends.

Not because they’re ashamed…

but because they understand something important:

Not everyone will get it.

Not everyone is meant to.

And yet somehow, we turn around and ask if our children should be brought into it.

Children, who don’t have the life experience…

the context…

or the perspective to process it in a meaningful way.

So the question becomes even more confusing.

If we recognize that some adults in our lives won’t understand the lifestyle…

We already know this isn’t universally understood… so why are we treating kids like the exception?

This Isn’t About Secrecy

This is where people get uncomfortable.

They hear “we don’t tell our kids about the lifestyle” and immediately think:

Oh… so you’re hiding something.

No.

There’s a difference between secrecy and privacy.

• Secrecy protects something harmful

• Privacy protects something personal

Not everything that is private is wrong.

And not everything that is true needs to be shared.

Maybe This Is Just How We’re Raised

Maybe part of this comes down to how we grow up.

In some families, there’s a clear understanding that children are not part of their parents’ private life.

Not in a secretive way.

Not in a cold way.

It just… isn’t theirs.

There are lines.

And they’re understood without needing to be explained.

In other families, those lines look different.

There’s more openness.

More sharing.

More of a belief that bringing children into real-life conversations is the right thing to do.

And that’s their decision.

But Here’s What I Keep Coming Back To

I’ve always been curious about this.

Not judgmental… just genuinely curious.

Why do we assume our children need access to parts of our lives that even we struggled to understand as adults?

Because when I think back to the moment I learned how babies were made…

I didn’t feel informed.

I felt overwhelmed.

And I certainly didn’t need more detail.

There Are Some Things You Can’t Unknow

I’m not a child anymore… and I still don’t want to know everything about my parents’ private life.

And if I’m being honest, I definitely don’t want details about their sex life.

Because there are some things you can’t unknow.

There are some doors that, once opened, cannot be closed.

And I don’t want what lives behind that door stuck in my head forever.

Every Family Draws This Line Differently

There are couples in the lifestyle who choose to share more with their children.

That’s their decision.

Every family has its own values, its own comfort level, its own way of defining what belongs inside the family conversation and what doesn’t.

This isn’t about saying one approach is right and another is wrong.

It’s about recognizing that just because something can be shared… doesn’t always mean it needs to be.

For Me, The Line Is Clear

My children don’t need to understand the lifestyle to feel loved by me.

They don’t need context.

They don’t need detail.

They don’t need imagery they can’t process and can’t forget.

They need stability.

They need consistency.

They need to be kids.

My Answer Hasn't Changed

When someone asks me if my kids know about the lifestyle…

I still stop.

And I still say:

“Do you actually think I talk to my children about my sex life?”

“And more importantly… do you actually believe they want to know?”

Because at the end of the day…

This isn’t about what we’re comfortable sharing.

It’s about what they should never have to carry.