Bi-Curious Men and Male Sexuality in the Swinger Lifestyle

Something seems to be changing with bi-curious men in the swinger lifestyle.

Or maybe nothing has changed at all, except what we're seeing.

Until a year or two ago, I honestly can't remember ever noticing men openly playing with other men at a lifestyle club. I'm sure it happened. I simply didn't see it.

Women with women? Of course. That has been visible in lifestyle clubs for as long as most of us can remember. Two women kissing on the dance floor or playing together in an open playroom was hardly something that would cause anyone to turn their head.

Men were different.

Then, a year or two ago, I saw two men openly playing together in a club playroom.

I have to admit, I couldn't look away.

Not because I was uncomfortable. I was fascinated because I realized that, after all my years around the lifestyle, I had never seen it before.

And lately, I seem to be noticing more.

Recently, my husband and I were sitting at the bar at a club next to two couples. The women were sitting on bar stools facing out, while the men stood in front of them.

After a while, my husband and I both noticed the same thing.

The men were flirting with each other.

It wasn't hidden. It wasn't particularly subtle. And nobody seemed terribly concerned about who might notice.

Around the same time, a friend mentioned that she had been noticing more men expressing an interest in other men at another club.

Once might be something you happen to notice.

Twice makes you start wondering.

Are There More Bi-Curious Men in the Lifestyle?

Maybe.

But I'm not sure that's even the right question.

On lifestyle dating sites, we've used terms like "bisexual" and "bi-curious" for years. But what those labels mean to one person may be completely different from what they mean to another.

We've certainly seen that with women.

A woman may enjoy playing with another woman in a lifestyle setting without considering herself bisexual. She may genuinely be attracted to women. She may simply be curious. She may enjoy it occasionally with her partner. Or she may get caught up in the chemistry of a particular evening and never think about it again.

Perhaps men aren't so different.

A man can be attracted to both men and women and identify as bisexual. Another may consider himself bi-curious. Another may enjoy an occasional experience with a man while still thinking of himself as straight. And another may have absolutely no interest in choosing a label.

Maybe the more interesting change is that men seem increasingly comfortable saying so.

The Conversation Seems to Be Changing Too

It's not only what we're seeing in clubs.

We're hearing more open conversations about male sexuality in general.

Pegging, for example, seems to be discussed much more openly among lifestyle couples than I remember in the past. Of course, enjoying pegging doesn't tell us anything about a man's sexual orientation. But the willingness to talk about it openly may tell us something about changing attitudes toward male sexuality.

There's also a conversation that seems to be becoming more common:

Just because a man enjoys a sexual experience with another man doesn't necessarily mean he considers himself gay.

Maybe he's bisexual.

Maybe he's bi-curious.

Maybe he's straight and sexually adventurous.

Maybe he doesn't know.

Maybe he doesn't care.

And perhaps we don't always need to decide for him.

Women Have Had More Room to Explore

This may be one of the more interesting differences between men and women in the lifestyle.

Women have long had considerable freedom to explore sexually with other women without necessarily being expected to redefine their sexual orientation because of it.

A woman could primarily be attracted to men, occasionally enjoy women and still identify however she chose.

Men haven't always seemed to have quite that much room.

Sexual contact between two men has traditionally carried much stronger assumptions about what that behavior means.

Perhaps those assumptions are beginning to loosen.

Maybe more men are becoming comfortable separating what I enjoy sexually from how I identify sexually.

Or Maybe Nothing Has Changed

That's the possibility I find most interesting.

Perhaps male sexuality in the lifestyle hasn't changed very much at all.

Maybe bisexual and bi-curious men were always at the clubs. Maybe straight men occasionally experimented with other men. Maybe couples were enjoying pegging and exploring all sorts of things that simply weren't being discussed publicly.

Maybe the only real difference is visibility.

What once happened behind a closed door may now happen in an open playroom.

What once required a very private conversation may now come up casually over drinks.

And something a man might once have worried would cause everyone else to define his sexuality for him may no longer require an explanation at all.

If that's what's happening, perhaps it's simply a natural evolution for a community that has always been built around consenting adults having the freedom to explore what they enjoy.

So maybe the men haven't changed.

Maybe the doors have simply opened.

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