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Did I mention we were in a swing club?

While out the other night, my husband and I met up with some friends at a bar. My husband offered his seat to the woman, so she kissed my cheek and sat down next to me. The four of us were engaged in conversation laughing and having fun. At some point, the other man and I were having one conversation while my husband and the other woman were talking on their own. In the middle of our conversation, the man asked if he could kiss me. “Of course,” I said. As we were kissing, the other two glanced over at us and then went back to talking.

Did I mention we were in a swing club? It struck me right then and there how this separates us from vanilla couples. Not because we kissed each other, but the honesty of the impulse.

Imagine how often vanilla friends are attracted to each other. There is no doubt that every adult at some point goes out to dinner or a party and runs into another person that attracts them. The most they can hope for is for some harmless flirtation; unless they plan to cheat.

The difference with swingers is that they are acting honestly in front of their significant other. There is no deceit. And quite frankly, getting it out of your system allows it be over. You don’t need to fantasize about it because you are free to act on it.

Honestly, swinging is not for everyone and many people find it to be an unacceptable lifestyle. What we can agree on, is that it is normal to find people other than your significant other attractive. Sometimes the chemistry between two people is intense to the point of distraction.

A friend of mine confided in me years ago that she had a crush on another friend’s husband. None of them are in the lifestyle and listening to her made me cringe. Not a weekend went by where she did not try to include this couple in her plans.

In my mind, her interest in this other man was unfair to both her husband and her friend. Some people may disagree. She isn’t acting on her feelings and therefore she isn’t hurting anyone, right? Perhaps we should say she is simply lusting after this man. Is that wrong? Without a doubt, when this man does show up, my friend flirts shamelessly with him. This, in my opinion, is disrespectful to both her spouse and her friend.

When we learn to separate love and sex it sets us free. Free to explore our deepest sexual desires without strings attached. Able to go out and have a physical encounter with someone and then return to your significant other. To the person you love.

The truth is, most people who have affairs are not looking to break up their marriage (or relationship). They are simply looking to be noticed and valued. When we are with a new partner, our brains give off endorphins causing feelings of euphoria. When someone finds us desirable it makes us feel validated and confident.

Imagine being able to experience this with your partner instead of behind their back. It strengthens your relationship because you are in it together. Trusting each other to have these experiences with the understanding that is just for the moment. You will go back home together with these intimacies to share.

Perhaps this is why research shows that couples in swinging relationships have a lower divorce rate than their monogamous counterparts. (

So, how was the kiss? It was perfect! And what happened after that kiss? Well, let’s just say it was a fun night.

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