Can Swinging Rekindle the Excitement in a Marriage?

There was a time when Saturday night meant going out simply because it was Saturday night. Maybe we would have dinner, meet friends for drinks or see a movie. We enjoyed ourselves, but after years of marriage, there wasn’t necessarily much excitement surrounding it. It was simply what married couples did on the weekend.

Then we discovered swinging, and Saturday nights began to feel different.

It was something new and a little naughty, and best of all, it was a secret the two of us shared. Nobody looking at us during the week would have had any idea where we had been over the weekend or what we might be planning for the next one. We had this entirely separate part of our lives that belonged only to us.

I suddenly had a renewed interest in dressing sexy, something that had long ago fallen by the wayside. The two of us would sit together scrolling through websites, looking at sexy dresses and ridiculously high heels. We would place an order and wait for the package to arrive. When it did, I would put on a fashion show for him. He loved seeing what I had chosen, and I loved watching his reaction.

Getting ready to go out became part of the evening again. I wasn’t simply pulling something out of my closet because we had dinner reservations. I was thinking about where we were going, who might be there and what could happen. He never knew exactly what I was going to wear, and I enjoyed surprising him. By the time we left the house, the excitement had already begun.

It was almost like dating again.

The difference, of course, was that we weren’t getting dressed for our first date. We had already built a life together. We had years of shared history and all the responsibilities that come with marriage, work and children. But now, mixed in with all that familiarity, there was anticipation again.

The excitement wasn’t limited to Saturday nights. It spilled over into our workdays, when we sat across the desk from each other appearing to conduct business as usual. To everyone else, we were simply a married couple working together. They had no idea about the private world we shared outside the office.

It also changed our sex life with each other. The anticipation began long before Saturday night, and the excitement often followed us home. We talked more openly about sex, shared fantasies we might never have mentioned before and carried the energy of those experiences back into our own bedroom. Sex was no longer something separate from the rest of our lives or something we simply made time for. It became part of the conversation again.

The lifestyle may have involved other people, but much of the excitement it created happened between the two of us.

Sometimes all it took was a look across the desk. Maybe we were remembering something that had happened the previous weekend. Maybe we were already thinking about the next one. Either way, there was something passing between us that nobody else could see.

We used to laugh that the people around us probably thought one of us was having an affair. Then we realized that, judging by the two of us, they would have had to wonder if we both were.

Technically, neither of us was having an affair. We were having sex with other people—we were just next to each other when we did it.

That may have been the most unexpected part of entering the lifestyle. The excitement didn’t begin when we walked into a club, and it didn’t necessarily end when we left. It was in the shopping, the packages arriving, the fashion shows and the conversations afterward. It was in getting ready together and wondering where the night might lead. It was in sitting across a desk several days later and knowing exactly what the other person was thinking.

Not every Saturday night became a sexual adventure. Sometimes we went out and nothing happened. But even then, the possibility changed the evening. There was always a sense that it could happen, and sometimes the anticipation was almost as exciting as the adventure itself.

So, are sexual adventures the new reason to go out on a Saturday night?

Maybe they were for us. But looking back, I don’t think it was only the sexual adventure that made Saturday nights exciting again. It was having something new to discover together. It was sharing a secret. It was looking forward to getting dressed, going out and not knowing exactly how the evening would end.

For a while, Saturday night felt like Saturday night again.

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